The Challenge

Sup! Ya it's me Odysseus, and I am kinda gettin bored watching these suitors shooting and missing with their arrows trying to hit the target to win my gorgeous wife Penelope. I finally decide to ask for a turn at it and they grant me the opportunity. I play around with the bow a little bit just to mess with the dunderheads. They are all jabbering with each other about how they think I own one.

After that we all heard a crack of thunder come from the great Zeus himself giving the sign. I laughed and picked up an arrow and readied myself to show off. I nocked the arrow and let it go and the arrow went cleanly through every socket ring, of course it didn't hit anything because I'm the best. I told my son let's go kick some butt. He readied his sword and spear and he and I were about to (what Ms. Schindler said in class).




This is why my son and I are gonna kick some butt.

Penelope's Test

Hey Odysseus here. I am home at last. Finally I'm not in disguise anymore. Penelope tested me by saying she was going to have the nurse move my bead outside the bed chamber. I thought no one could move that bed, unless a god came down to turn the trick. No one on there best day could move that bed with a crowbar.

Penelope is so glad it was me she says, "no one ever matched your caution! Think what difficulty the gods gave: hey denied us life together in our prime and flowering years, kept us from crossing age together." She then told me no other man has laid eyes on my bed only her own slave, Actoris, that her father sent her as a gift she kept our door. Not many people can survive a boat wreck and live on a piece of the fallen apart boat. She to know rejoices me. 

That was a wild way to get home. It was hard without my men but I knew I would make it with out them. If they wouldn't of killed the cattle they could probably still be here. Well now that i am home I think I will be done with blogging. well at least for awhile. Until next time.

Odysseus' Revenge

Howdy y’all! Odysseus here! I’m back in Ithica, in my castle, with my wife, and all these “suitors” are here trying to marry Penelope. LOLZ. No. A simple “get out” won’t do. So I’m thinking I’ll just kill them all, no biggie.

After I shoot Antinous with an arrrow, Eurymachus comes saying it was all Antinous’ fault, and I shouldn’t kill everyone else. He also said that they would pay back the wine and bread they consumed. You guys tried to marry my wife, and you expect me to easily forgive you? HA.HA.HA.HA. NO. (#SorryNotSorry) I’m gonna open up a can of whoop ads. (I hate autocorrect sometimes. #iPhoneProbz)

So with the help of Athena, Telemachus, Eumaeus, and other faithful herdsmen, I killed all the suitors. I hope their deaths were long and painful. They deserve it don’t they? I made sure that no one got away. After everything was said and done, they looked like dead fish lying on a seashore—twitching with what little life they had left. (dun dun dunnnnn)

Penelope

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            Hey ya’ll its Odysseus here. I’m in the palace and I have gotten asked to talk to my fair lady Penelope. She don’t know it’s me, makin this so dang hard. She wants to know all about me. She’s askin “who am I, where do I come from.” I tell this fine lady that no women wants to know what this wild cowboy has seen or done cause what’s in the past is pain to ones heart.  I also told her no man should be cryin in anothers home. She then says to me, if my Odysseus were here to care for me she would feel no pain and hold no pressure from the suitors.

            This cleaver lady Penelope avoided the pressure from the suitors by out smarten them. She said when her lord is dead she would weave a shroud. Every day she webbed, oh pardon me she would weave the shroud, but at night she would unweave it. She continued by saying that one lovely evening while she was unweaving the shroud the suitors had caughten her. She knew her time was runnin short, and soon she would have to pick one to wed with.  

            Well how does this tough cowboy feel, I feel sorrow in his heart. I want my hot honey bun back, and there is just only one way to get what I love to be mine again. I tell Penelope that “Odysseus” will be back home soon, and they will be forever in love.

Hey everyone! Odysseus here! I'm back to tell you more of my adventures! While I was exploring the palace, I was acting as a beggar and begged Antinous for food. Sadly, I guess I was being too annoying, and he called me sassy. :( He threw a chair at me. #rude #ouch After recovering from my serious injury from a chair, The suitors thought that I was a god undercover. Of course, I'm not. #dontbesilly Well, gtg! Talk to you more about my adventures soon! XOXO -Odysseus

"Twenty years gone, and I am back again" and Argus

Hey its Odysseus again. I thought I would update you one what has been going on so far. I have just arrived to my home Ithaca, and I found my son Telemachus. He does not know who I am because I am in disguise as an old, poor man. But then the goddess Athena appears to me and says "dissemble to your son no longer now". Then I appear to my son again in a white pure cloak and a fresh knit tunic and my son thinks I am a god of some sort. I am like "What heck dude? I am your dad" But then Telemachus finally beileves I am the true and mighty Odysseus.

Then Telemachus and I talk and make plans to kill the suitors that are at my house. There are 114 suitors and we had to figure out a plan to kill them. The plan that we came up with was to have Telemachus, when the sun comes up, go home and mingle with the suitors, and take all of the weapons and hide them. Then I will show up at the house as a beggar, and if they make fun of me Telemachus is to keep calm, no matter how hard of a time they give me. Then Athena will give me advice and say "Hey dude it's time to kick some butt", and I will signal Telemachus with a nod. When I have given Telemachus the nod he is supposed gets two swords, and two shields.

There is one more thing I told Telemachus to do. I told him not to tell anyone about my presence, not even Penelope, the swineherd, or even Laertes. So the next day I am dressed as a beggar and I am on the way to my house when I see my old dog, Argus. He is very old and weak but he remembers me. So I ask Eumaeus why do they just leave this dog here on a dung pile, and I also say he would have been a fine dog, from the look of him. Then Eumaeus says that a hunter owned him and the man is dead in some far place. So as we walk away from Argus and into the palace, the poor ole Argus closes his eyes and dies. Until next time... Stay Golden

The Sirens Island Scylla and Charybdis

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Hey there Odysseus here, currently we just made it past the Sirens Islands. This was not a very easy task of course but me being my smart self I came up with the brilliant idea to cover my crew-members ears with beeswax. Because I needed to hear the song of the Sirens I had the crew-members tie me to the mast of our magnificent ship. After we made it past the island without wrecking we were soon faced with another problem, to go past Scylla or Charybdis. Charybdis is the giant whirlpool that sucks down any ship that tries to cross her path, and Scylla being the massive six headed sea monster. We started heading to Charybdis when my men heard the noise of her furry and stopped rowing their oars (#scaredguyprobs). I had to give them a pep talk to get them to row the other way, when they had no idea where they were headed. I began to watch for Scylla thinking that I may be able to catch sight of her before my men, when out of nowhere she rose from the water and snatched up six of my men before I had any idea of what was going on. The last I heard of my men were their screams calling my name as we sailed past. Well this is it for now so until another day this is Odysseus saying goodbye and safe sailing. 

The Cattle of the Sun God

            Yo dogs, The Great and Mighty Odysseus here, back with more tales to tell.  So, after being blown into a sea cave, I gathered my crew and I told them that the cattle were not to be touched, because some big and powerful god guy would punish us. My crew was all like “ok, we won’t touch them.” I trusted my men to be truthful, after all, why would my men have lied to me, their great and powerful leader? So I brought out our food supply. I conducted with my brilliant mind that we would be perfectly fine with what we have.

            Ok, so maybe my brilliant mind might have miscalculated, just a little. It turns out that we didn’t have enough to feed our men for a month. That’s how long we had been trapped there. So I decided that me, being the awesome person I am, could go pray to the gods for help, but instead I feel into a deep slumber! Maybe late night seashell gambling wasn't such a good idea. Also, one of my crewmembers stole my phone and took a picture of me while I was sleeping, here it is.

 And get this: while I was out, my men decided to slaughter the cattle, Crazy, right? They could have at least waited for me to do the honors!

            So about 6 days after that, we set sail again. Apparently, Helios decided to throw a hissy fit and tattle on us. So, Zeus, either trying to really punish us or just shut up Helios, made lightning strike my ship! He is so rude! Anyways, all of my men died, and I was left to be stranded on the ocean. I guess that is the price of being completely awesome. After dealing with a whirlpool, I drifted for nine days on a piece of driftwood until I crashed upon Ogygia Isle. There, the beautiful Calypso took me into her cave to care for me. It’s pretty nice here, I think I’ll stay for a while. She is a pretty good host. Bow-chicka wow wow.

The Land of The Dead

Yo, Big O again! Like my new slang? I picked that term up from the Cyclops before I completely bamboozled him. After my pals and I left the land of the Cyclops, we went to sail home. Just when I thought everything was going great, I end up at Aeaea. Let me tell you something, the sorceress of that island is crazy obsessed with me, but who wouldn’t be? I’m kind of a big deal. I guess she’s kind of a babe, but no match to my Penelope.  So anyways, she told me something crazy! Circes said I must go to Hades and consult the blind prophet if I want to make it home safe, but how is the prophet supposed to foretell my future if he can’t even see who I am? (#ThingsIPonder) My mom used to tell me a lot about Hades when I was younger; It didn’t sound like a fun place to be, but if I wanted to get home to my family I had to make a visit there. 

At first when I got to Hades I was a tad confused. I mean I’ve never been to a place that is constantly dark. Here’s a picture I took of Hades!

All I had to do to summon the dead was kill a sheep; it was easy peasy! So once I got down there I’m searching for this dude right? But I couldn’t find him anywhere! Honestly, it was like a game of hide and seek. As I’m searching for Tiresias, I started to get scared. Crazy, I know. Once I started walking, I saw this man who looked oddly familiar. As I got closer I realized it was one of my crewmembers. It killed me to see him there. He asked one thing of me, to go back to Aeaea and bury him. I said yes without a doubt. Even though it was difficult to see him, I had to stay strong and continue to search for the prophet. Yet again I saw someone that looked familiar, my own mother. Instantly I felt pain in my heart. Was I gone for so long I wasn’t there to mourn my own mother’s death? Seeing her was extremely hard but I had to keep going until I found Tiresias. Finally, I found him.

            Still shaken up, Tiresias began to tell me what to expect in my future. He knew my crew and I wanted to go home so he gave me easy instructions to follow to get us all home safe. All we have to do is leave the cattle of the Sun God alone, but if we don’t, my crew will die, and I will be left alone to travel home by myself. The journey home by myself would probably consist of numerous selfies on Instagram due to boredom caused by the lack of shipmates, but we don’t need to worry about that because leaving the cattle alone will be a piece of cake!

Lotas Eaters

Well it is Odysseus again journaling form the island of the Lotas Eaters we have just arrived at the island and I have sent my crewmembers to see what is going on farther on the island and to find something to eat. Now it has been a while and my crewmembers haven’t returned I should probably go check on them. Well I now I have returned from going to find my crewmembers had to drag them but I have returned and tied them down since they didn’t want to leave the island and now we are on our way back to get my other ship and the rest of my crewmembers so I have to go but I will talk to u soon Odysseus  

Cyclopes part 2

Hey guys Odysseus here coming to you from the Cyclops island. To get out of the Cyclops cave we decied to burn out his eye. I would have killed the behemoth but I stated to think if I kill him I would be killing everyone in the cave so I stated to think and then it came to me after we take his eye we will take the easy way out but their was no easy way or was their. I began to look around and then it came to me we would hide under the sheep so that when he let them out he would be letting us out. After the Cyclops let out his sheep me and my men were home free we took the sheep and headed for the ship but not before nearly being crused by the two boulders he threw at us. This is a drawing of what the Cyclops looked like.  

Ugly thing Isn’t it.  Well tell next time Odysseus.

The Cyclops (part 1)

Hey guys Odysseus here! Well after my interesting run in with the Lotus Eaters, we started sailing again and we were blown off course and stumbled upon the Cyclops' island. Seeing the island made my men worried. They begged me to just leave, but I couldn't let that happen, I wanted to explore! I'm going on an adventure! (#hobbitquotes)

With curiosity overwhelming me, I took 12 of my best fighters. As we came across a cave, it was full of sheep and cheese. We stayed in the cave until the Cyclops came back, hoping for some sort of trade. As the giant came back he locked us in. After spotting us he ate two of my men, raw and everything... just picked them up and MUNCH! As night crept upon us, he continued to eat more of my men, so we plotted a way to get out.

Once morning came the Cyclops left and we put our plan into action. I cut a log and made the tip sharp. After doing this we burnt the tip of it to make it tough. As soon as the Cyclops got back he ate more of my men. So being my brave courageous self, I went up to the beast and offered him some wine, he took it immediately and asked for more. Soon he was drunk and sleepy, so i told him my name was Nohbdy. After he was asleep we took the sharp spear and stabbed his eye.

Sailing from Troy

Hey there, Odysseus again! Long time no talk. I just thought I would catch you guys up on my sail from Troy. I don’t even know where to start I mean I could talk about my heroic deeds that happened on this trip but who am I kidding it happens during the whole journey (haha). I mean not that my crew didn’t do anything during this journey. But I think what I did is a little more important if you know what I mean (#heroprobs). But I guess enough about me, it’s time to talk about this journey and what all happened.

 I’ll start at the beginning so you guys don’t get confused. When we were carried along the rough sea weathered by our god Zeus. Throughout this rough journey we were carried to the coast of Ciciones. Here I killed the people of this island and took all of their food and wine and enslaved their women. My men were refusing to listen to my commands, what fools they are, my men butchered animal after animal, and eating while a fugitive ran to call the army for help.

As my men and I were getting back on our ships the people of the island Ciciones attacked us in which began a fight. We fought a good fight but by the end we had lost six benches from every ship were empty. After this devastation we were full of grief that carried into the sea with us as we journeyed back. All my men and I could think about was our lives and the ones that our friends had no longer.  None of my ships took sail that day until someone let out a cry three times, for each ghost unfleshed by the Cicones on that field.

Heading Home from the Trojan War

Hey, everyone. Odysseus, here. I'm the King of Ithaca and I've been fighting in the Trojan War for the last ten years. Now, I'm all ready to head home. It will be a long journey, so I thought I'd keep a blog so that I can tell everyone where I'm at in my trip and what I'm doing.

First, I should probably tell you a little bit about where I've been (a Trojan Horse doesn't get the best cell reception, so I'm a little behind on updating everyone with my Tweets #EpicHeroProblems).
Like I said, I've been a soldier in the Trojan War for the past decade. The whole thing started when the Prince of Troy, Paris, stole the beautiful Helen, from her husband Menelaus. She was gorgeous, and his wife, so naturally, Menelaus was a little ticked. He convinced his brother Agamemnon to send an army to attack Troy and get Helen back.

A bloody war over this woman raged on for the next ten years outside the walls of Troy. I was tired of it all; I  just wanted to go home to my wife and son, Penelope and Telemachus. So one night at camp, I thought to myself, "If only we could get inside the walls. Then we'd have a better chance." I came up with the brilliant idea of building a huge horse out of wood and making it hollow on the inside. Here's an Instagram I took of it:

We put the horse right outside the gates of Troy, and we all hid inside it. The Trojans saw it and thought it was some kind of gift or a message of surrender, so they brought it inside their city and celebrated, having no idea that the whole Greek army was inside. Once they were all asleep, taking over the city was a piece of cake, and the war soon ended.

So now, I'm finally on a ship home with a crew of a few men. Sure, the journey will probably be long and difficult, but there's no way it can be longer than 10 years or more difficult than a war, right?